Happened to come across this...
Dear Lynn,
I’ve been dating a bisexual woman recently. I’ll admit I was apprehensive because of trust issues, but now I’m fine with it. Well, recently she told me that she wanted to be intimate with another woman but at the same time she tells me that she’s in love with me. To me, when you are in love with someone, you want to be with that person and that person only. Well, she tells me it’s only sex, and that’s all it is. So I tell her that I want to be intimate with another woman also, and she says that it’s not the same because she’s with another woman, not another man. It would be like I’m being unfaithful. I’m sorry, but to me if you are in love with someone — man or woman — if you stray, you are being unfaithful. She tells me that I don’t understand anything about bisexuals. Maybe I don’t. Can you please shed some light on this?
– Easy Come, Easy Go
Dear Easy Come, Easy Go,
Nice try, lady. Crudely speaking, being bi means you sleep with both sexes. Being in a relationship means... not at the same time! What’s at play here is not the difference between being straight and bi; it’s the difference between being monogamous or not. No fair of her to try to blur the difference and exploit the meaning of her orientation in her favor. Some couples do have “open” relationships, but that’s when they both have straying privileges. She’s saying it’s OK for her to fool around but not you? That’s a double standard for sure. Sorry; she can’t have it both ways.
This is not to say don’t date bisexuals. Ultimately, it’s not even really about bisexuality; it’s about being fair and mature and respectful in a relationship. About setting expectations together. About, um, not cheating. (Although, to her credit, at least she told you of her intentions.)
And if you’re coming into this with “trust issues,” it’s best, moving forward, to try and date people — straight, bi, whatever — who don’t trigger them. Someone will come along for whom you are more than enough.
Dear Lynn,
I’ve been dating a bisexual woman recently. I’ll admit I was apprehensive because of trust issues, but now I’m fine with it. Well, recently she told me that she wanted to be intimate with another woman but at the same time she tells me that she’s in love with me. To me, when you are in love with someone, you want to be with that person and that person only. Well, she tells me it’s only sex, and that’s all it is. So I tell her that I want to be intimate with another woman also, and she says that it’s not the same because she’s with another woman, not another man. It would be like I’m being unfaithful. I’m sorry, but to me if you are in love with someone — man or woman — if you stray, you are being unfaithful. She tells me that I don’t understand anything about bisexuals. Maybe I don’t. Can you please shed some light on this?
– Easy Come, Easy Go
Dear Easy Come, Easy Go,
Nice try, lady. Crudely speaking, being bi means you sleep with both sexes. Being in a relationship means... not at the same time! What’s at play here is not the difference between being straight and bi; it’s the difference between being monogamous or not. No fair of her to try to blur the difference and exploit the meaning of her orientation in her favor. Some couples do have “open” relationships, but that’s when they both have straying privileges. She’s saying it’s OK for her to fool around but not you? That’s a double standard for sure. Sorry; she can’t have it both ways.
This is not to say don’t date bisexuals. Ultimately, it’s not even really about bisexuality; it’s about being fair and mature and respectful in a relationship. About setting expectations together. About, um, not cheating. (Although, to her credit, at least she told you of her intentions.)
And if you’re coming into this with “trust issues,” it’s best, moving forward, to try and date people — straight, bi, whatever — who don’t trigger them. Someone will come along for whom you are more than enough.
posted by:
|
Los Angeles
|
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 1:22 AMYeah, if something triggers your issues, run away! What kind of crazy person confronts one's issues, after all?
Sheesh.
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 6:46 AMShe's not saying it's OK for her to fool around but not OK for him. She's saying it's OK for either of them to fool around with same-sex partners. However, he's straight and thus the imbalance. My advice: he needs to go out and suck a cock. Maybe he'll really enjoy it. :-)
-- Clown -
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 7:58 AM*deep breath, count to ten...*
Of COURSE! It's completely fair, all he has to do if he wants equilibrium is go out and have sex with a gender he has absolutely no attraction to, and is probably repulsed by the thought of. Fuggin *prude*.
Look, these situations are what give people with alternative sexual identities a bad name.
The fact of the matter is she wants to go have sex with someone that she's attracted to, other than her boyfriend. I don't care what planet you're from, that's cheating unless it's a poly/open/swinger relationship. Period.
No, this guy should not walk just because she triggers his insecurities. He should RUN because she was dumb enough to use that tired-ass bi cop-out "It's not cheating if we have the same equipment!"
LAME
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Tue, January 1, 2008 - 10:12 PMI do not like them in a box.
I do not like them with a fox.
I do not like them in a boat.
I do not like them with a goat.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like hard cock and balls.
I do not like them, Jack-and-Paul.
:)
-
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 1:56 PMI also feel that it's not cheating to be in a same-sex relationship outside of the opposite-sex one. I have a guy friend who said to me the other night, well at least if I were in that situation I wouldn't be worried about her cheating on me with a guy. I would think that would be appreciated. But the guy who says, well then I should be allowed to have sex with other women...it's not the same. It's a tough situation, but one that I'm sure a lot of people face. I wonder how people have worked out this situation in reality? -
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 2:01 PM"I also feel that it's not cheating to be in a same-sex relationship outside of the opposite-sex one."
It is cheating if it was understood that the relationship was exclusive. It should NOT be assumed that just because your partner is bi, that they will be looking for a partner of the same sex. -
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 3:45 PMTHANK YOU Phillippa! -
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 4:05 PMHeh, no problem :)
-
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 7:25 PM"It is cheating if it was understood that the relationship was exclusive. It should NOT be assumed that just because your partner is bi, that they will be looking for a partner of the same sex."
Agreed. He *did* say he was okay with her bisexuality, however, and he doesn't elaborate on what that means. Though if she's only bi for the sex, rather than needing the option to date other women as well, then abstaining shouldn't be an issue. That's why l tell everyone l date up front that l'm both bi and poly, and the latter because l'm not willing to compromise the former.
But l totally agree with this: "Yeah, if something triggers your issues, run away! What kind of crazy person confronts one's issues, after all?"
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Tue, November 13, 2007 - 2:27 PMAmen.
I'm tired of being asked whether I always date a girl AND a guy! I date casually or I'm with one person. Period.
My ex was poly and while we still get along, well... I have come into the realization that I am monogamous, no matter what gender I happen to be with at the time.
-
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 2:59 PM*gently picks jaw off floor*
Are you SERIOUS?
How, when our subculture is SO concerned with others accepting the validity of same sex relationships on the same level as hetero ones can you even say that?? That is the most self defeating statement I've heard on this tribe, bar-none.
I'm sorry, and I really really am trying not to come off rude here. I'm just absolutely slack-jaw dumb-founded someone would self-sabotage like that (assuming you are bisexual). -
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 3:11 PM
I think that it's "cheating" if you're doing something outside the bounds of the agreement you have with your partner. And it's NOT "cheating" if you're doing something that is within those bounds. Everything else is variable; it all depends on what the understanding is.
I have gone to bi groups for many years, and also facilitated bi groups for many years, and I can tell you that just about EVERYTHING varies. Some people are more upset and more jealous about their partner having sex with someone of the same sex they are. Some are more upset about their partner having sex with someone of a different sex. Some are not upset at all about sex but are upset when feelings get into it. Some don't care at all about that, and so on and so on.
I don't think it serves any of us in the least for people to declare that "this is cheating" about a particular act or feeling, as if it were the same for everyone. It just plain isn't.
-
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 3:37 PMOkay, lemme back up a sec. I should explain my point just a teensy bit better.
I think cheating has absolutely nothing to do with gender whatsoever. If you're in a relationship with a man, and you have sex with another man and you haven't been given express permission by your SO to do so, it's cheating, period. If you're in a relationship with a man, and you have sex with a woman, also cheating. It's very simple.
Please open your prayer-books to the chapter of Wiki...
"Cheating is defined as an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. "
Notice no "with a guy" or "with a girl" mentioned.
>>I don't think it serves any of us in the least for people to declare that "this is cheating" about a particular act or feeling, as if it were the same for everyone. It just plain isn't. <<
And you're happy with that, are you? With standards for alternative fidelity being more fluid or open to interpretation than hetero ones? I think that would change shortly after being on the recieving end of a betrayal that's justified that way.
Conversly, if a hetero woman were to sleep with another hetero man outside of her relationship with the permission of her SO I say it's a fact that that's NOT cheating.
Cheating *is* the same for everyone, and it's a matter of consent and responsibility of all those involved in the relationship in any capacity.
It just plain is. -
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 6:30 PM
I think we're in violent agreement, Angel. I was objecting to the idea that having same sex relations is fine for everyone while having "opposite sex" (I hate that phrase) relations was objectively worse somehow, and more like cheating. -
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Tue, November 13, 2007 - 7:11 AMYou know, after re-reading your post before I left work yesterday I kinda got that impression too. Sorry for chomping at the bit so, I guess I'm just very passionate about equality and didn't want any mistake made about my point. It may have made me a lil overzealous about defending it. *l*
So it looks like we'll have to agree to... erm... agree.
*l*
-
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 7:27 PM"I think cheating has absolutely nothing to do with gender whatsoever. If you're in a relationship with a man, and you have sex with another man and you haven't been given express permission by your SO to do so, it's cheating, period. If you're in a relationship with a man, and you have sex with a woman, also cheating. It's very simple. "
l wholeheartedly agree with that too. -
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 8:22 PMSo..... what if you ask your lover's "permission" to go ahead and sleep with another person (of any gender) AND they say "NO"! What do you do, then? Refrain from sex with said person? Or go ahead and have sex anyway?
AND what if you let your lover know that you wish to sleep with another person, and they get upset about it, and you go ahead and do it, anyway?
Honest, loving communication is VERY important, as you all can see! -
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 11:38 PMYou breakup with them because they aren't willing to provide what you need in a relationship, and find someone else who will let you sleep with someone else.
And if you go ahead and sleep with someone else when it upsets them and expect them to stay with you, I'd say you're being a pretty cruddy S.O. as well.
-
Looks like this is addressed to me (?) so my reply....
Wed, November 14, 2007 - 10:57 PM"So..... what if you ask your lover's "permission" to go ahead and sleep with another person (of any gender) AND they say "NO"!"
lf our agreement is that l can sleep with women and not with men, and l'm ok with that, then l don't ask them about men. lf l want to sleep with a woman, and they've agreed to that, and then retract that permission, l'm probably not going to continue dating them. lf we both agree to something and they go back on that, l won't trust them to be good on their word for other things, and something that important is going to count. lf we choose to adjust our agreements respectfully and with the mutual desire to accommodate both, then cool. But don't lie to me and agree and then yank it out from under me when it's convenient.
"What do you do, then? Refrain from sex with said person? Or go ahead and have sex anyway?"
l'll break up with someone before l break my trust and cheat.
"AND what if you let your lover know that you wish to sleep with another person, and they get upset about it, and you go ahead and do it, anyway?"
Then one isn't showing trust, communication, compassion, or integrity. And they alone are responsible for breaking that agreement.
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Sat, December 1, 2007 - 12:28 AM"what if you ask your lover's "permission" to go ahead and sleep with another person (of any gender) AND they say "NO"! What do you do, then? Refrain from sex with said person? Or go ahead and have sex anyway?
AND what if you let your lover know that you wish to sleep with another person, and they get upset about it, and you go ahead and do it, anyway?"
Up to now I always broke up and moved on but I have to admit that finding someone who will accept my rules is so rare that I discovered the power of negotiations.
-
-
-
-
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 3:17 PMEh, whatever. It's not like I'm saying I would do it without the guy knowing about it, so no, it would not be cheating because he would be fully aware. -
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 3:39 PMAhh, well, with that qualification I'm totally in agreement with you. I just get *very* nervous when people speak as if one kind of relationship has more validity or responsibility than another.
:) -
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, November 12, 2007 - 9:13 PMOh, no. Definitely not. I actually find it really annoying when people "play" at being bi and mess with other people's emotions without holding responsibility for their actions.
-
-
-
-
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Mon, December 31, 2007 - 2:50 AMFor me this brings up a variety of things
>Does bi-sexual inherently = poly-amorous
Some would say yes, some no personally I think it's possible to love two people at the same time the same ammount. The trick is making sure everyone is getting their needs met. Ideally I would prefer a primary partner who I am essentially managomous with except upon negotitation.
>Why do polyamourous discussions in relationships tend to center around 'cheating' and not around emotional needs
I've never really understood cheating. Cheating to me implies going back upon an agreement or something that was made. If the agreement to 'not see other people' has never been made specially early on in the releationship it should be fair game to bring up wanting to see someone. Even if it had been made, it would be fair game to bring up changes to the orignial agreement. And some new agreement that meets everyones emotional needs should be made. This jealousy/blame/judgement game seems tired to me. And really if someone was playing it with me or telling me I was playing it because they didn't want to deal with talking about the real emotional needs triggering the feelings. Well the relationship is/was well on it's way to over. 'cheating' in my mind really is only a concept in 100% managomous for life relationships. And even then what is 'cheating' taking someone to lunch without asking your partner first? Holding hands with somone? Kissing somone on the cheek? Or is just sex? seeing somone naked at the gym and enjoying it? flirting? checking out people on the street? There are soooo many things that an insecure partner can trip on. Personally if I know my partner loves me it doesn't matter who they are fucking as long as they are using safe sex.
>Why do extremely straight guys date bi women if they can't handle them sleeping with other women?
I never get this. I mean is it because they like the idea of 2 girls on them, or maybe because bi women are more body aware and better in bed or what? I've never met a straight guy/bi girl relationship that didn't eventually get to the point where the chick wanted to get with another chick and she didn't want him to get with another girl. As a bi more managomous leaning girl I wouldn't allow that either. So now I know stay away from the straight men who are going to get all pissy and whinny and not actually tell you why getting with the girl bothers them just that you are wrong. I just don't know why they don't think ahead see where things are leaning and either state early on these are my terms or find some straight girl who wants the fucking fairy tale.
-
Re: Guy dates a bi woman and finds it hard
Wed, January 2, 2008 - 12:00 AM>>>I’ve been dating a bisexual woman recently. I’ll admit I was apprehensive because of trust issues, but now I’m fine with it. Well, recently she told me that she wanted to be intimate with another woman but at the same time she tells me that she’s in love with me.>>>
If some guy told me this story, I would be firm, yet friendly.
I'd say, dude, you are still in the early phases of a relationship and if your partner wants to sleep with other women and you don't want her to then, can compromise happen ? Is there anywhere you can reach common ground. Hmmmm, wait for their reply and it looks like you both should have discussed this type of thing on your second date and not your 22nd date in my humble opinion. So sadly, my off the cuff advice would be be friends and try to stay friends after the breakup. Staying friends with your ex-partners is the hardest and most worthwhile things you can do and is always worth the effort.
take care,
Jonathan
