So l was reading over my last response to Marquis in her Being Bisexual thread, regarding the level of homophobia gays deal with vs. bisexuals. Have you ever had any negative experiences relating to your bisexuality?
l've had two.
One was pretty quick and basic. l was at a club, hanging out with a group of friends and some other people we'd just met, and my best friend and l were drunk, and l gave her a quick peck, and then we had a really short makeout session. As in 'a little tongue, another couple of pecks' short. One of the girls gave us truly one of the most disgusted looks l've ever received from anyone, said something like "Gross", and excused herself. Everyone there sort of laughed and went 'prude' and carried on.
The second time, l had just shaved my head, so no matter how girlified l had made the haircut by leaving a few long curly strands here and there, or how much makeup l wore (and l never wear much at all), EVERYONE thought l was gay.....but nothing much really happened for the first few months, except maybe l had more lesbians hitting on me. One night l was out with my roommate, who - ironically - is a very feminine straight man. As we were leaving the bar, some drunken asshole started harassing him (he was wearing some bright red plaid pants, and not the punk rock type) so l jumped to his defense. l came damn close to getting myself into a fight with a man twice my size if it weren't for the bouncer, but the whole time he was hollering "You fucking dyke, nobody wants your dried up pussy" and shit like that. lt was pretty shocking, and THAT experience, even though he thought l was gay (and he was the type of stupid jock that would have likely changed his tune if l'd been making out with some chick there), really showed me what it must be like for the gay community on a regular basis. lt certainly upped my sympathy level about ten notches, that's for sure.
So what about you? And on this note, what *are* your thoughts on being bi, and therefore halfway homosexual, yet dealing with few or none of the harassment? Do you think that we deal with less homophobia, and why?
l've had two.
One was pretty quick and basic. l was at a club, hanging out with a group of friends and some other people we'd just met, and my best friend and l were drunk, and l gave her a quick peck, and then we had a really short makeout session. As in 'a little tongue, another couple of pecks' short. One of the girls gave us truly one of the most disgusted looks l've ever received from anyone, said something like "Gross", and excused herself. Everyone there sort of laughed and went 'prude' and carried on.
The second time, l had just shaved my head, so no matter how girlified l had made the haircut by leaving a few long curly strands here and there, or how much makeup l wore (and l never wear much at all), EVERYONE thought l was gay.....but nothing much really happened for the first few months, except maybe l had more lesbians hitting on me. One night l was out with my roommate, who - ironically - is a very feminine straight man. As we were leaving the bar, some drunken asshole started harassing him (he was wearing some bright red plaid pants, and not the punk rock type) so l jumped to his defense. l came damn close to getting myself into a fight with a man twice my size if it weren't for the bouncer, but the whole time he was hollering "You fucking dyke, nobody wants your dried up pussy" and shit like that. lt was pretty shocking, and THAT experience, even though he thought l was gay (and he was the type of stupid jock that would have likely changed his tune if l'd been making out with some chick there), really showed me what it must be like for the gay community on a regular basis. lt certainly upped my sympathy level about ten notches, that's for sure.
So what about you? And on this note, what *are* your thoughts on being bi, and therefore halfway homosexual, yet dealing with few or none of the harassment? Do you think that we deal with less homophobia, and why?
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Seattle
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Re: Homophobia
Sun, November 18, 2007 - 7:24 PMAnd why on earth is there a gambling addiction ad next to my post? -
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 12:51 AMI'll bet on you to win in a fist fight. ;-) -
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 10:16 AMLOL!
Wait, shit. Should l take that as a compliment? ;) -
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So you're into fisting?
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 1:24 PMCool.
Oh.
Never mind. ;-)
(Just channelling Emily Litella for a minute there)
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 1:05 AMI was at a Halloween party several years ago and saw a really cute girl dressed as Pippi Longstocking. I told my guy friend (and future sexual partner) that I liked her and he told her, and she told me she liked me (God how high school this sounds) so we ended up in the bathroom making out. We later took it to the car and by the time we went back in, my lipstick was all smeared and one of my fake eyelashes was all cockeyed, me grinning like a cheshire cat. :-) I stole her panties and made her go around without them, we ended up meeting at her house where I had sex with her but unfortunately, she lived in a loft downtown. It was one giant room with a curtain, and her SISTER on the other side. I didn't care, if she didn't care. Had one other time with her after that, at a goth club where I was whipped while kissing her. I won't even tell you what we did on the way home...I'm honestly embarressed I was so foolish. It ended fairly rapidly after that. My best friend at the time was so disgusted by my bisexuality, because of her religious beliefs, that she ended our friendship, but also because she was interested in the guy I was simulaneously seeing and wanted him, so she used it as an excuse to ostracise me while stabbing me in the back, talking to and turning him against me. The other interesting sub-plot in all this was "Pippi" in process of being pumped full of hormones to get impregnated by a gay male couple. So I figured she must be cool, and she called me her g-f once, so I pushed the issue just to see if she would be interested in dating, besides I thought it would be interesting to watch her go through the pregnancy, but she freaked out on the possibility of a relationship esp. coz her sister was in the background making her feel bad for "becoming a lesbian." She stopped taking my calls. So I lost the girl, the guy, and my best friend pretty much all at once. While that was lousy, I really enjoyed Pippi and was very angry at my best friend for treating me with such disgust about being bi, esp. since she knew all along that I was. She had just never really SEEN me in action before, I guess.
My life is a soap opera. -
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 1:06 AMimpregnated *for* not *by* a gay male couple...that came out sounding funny... -
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 10:20 AMMy life is a soap opera.
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Ha! Join the club.
l think it's always far more hurtful to be rejected by those we care about, especially when we thought that, previous to coming out to them, they might/would be okay with it. l hear stories like yours and have to be thankful that l haven't had to deal with that thus far. Then again, nobody other than my parents knows, so that may be a hurdle l still end up facing at some point. <crosses self, looks skyward, and pleads for general mercy> -
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 11:41 AM< Then again, nobody other than my parents knows, so that may be a hurdle l still end up facing at some point. >
Well you're braver than I am. My family suspects but have never pinned me down on it. I think they just don't want to know the truth. All of my friends know. My mom once asked me if I were gay. I said no, of course. Thankfully she never asked me if I was bi. I don't think I could straight lie about it. I'm sure I would have to be honest and you have no idea what hell I would go through. I come from the conservative Christian south. -
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 4:45 PMOh, l have an idea. The rest of the family that doesn't know is Southern Baptist. My grandmother will NEVER know. She'd shit a fucking brick and that would probably be the nail in the coffin she's been trying to bury my rebel ass in for the last two decades. l FEEL you, girl. {{{Schirin}}} -
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 5:38 PMAh, so you do understand. I grew up Southern Baptist. I am non-denominational myself and trying to reconcile how I feel with my faith as it is...I don't need the rest of my family weighing in on it so best not to even mention it unless I absolutely have to. My mom already has come to terms with the fact that I'm likely to never have kids, and I was her last hope after my sister decided the same thing (except her husband had 2 kids from a prior marriage but according to my mom, it isn't the same). My g-ma also had better never find out, that's for sure. -
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 7:34 PMl may or may not have kids. lf l don't, it's fortunate it's not up to me to carry on the family name.
On my mom's side.
lf l don't have kids, l'm the only one with a real shot on my dad's side. l have a male cousin and brother, but one is being raised by a seriously mental dad (uncle), and the other is actually about half his age mentally). Then again, l also decided l'm keeping my name whether l get married or not. l'm down with hyphenated shit, but the family name's too important to my dad's side (and l happen to like it too much) to give it up.
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 11:59 AMMy ex boyfriend was a pretty jealous guy, but only towards other men. He knew I was bisexual but was completely unthreatened by girls I hung out with, while he would get steamed at me mentioning I got a hug from a guy friend.
This probably isn't the kind of negative experience you were talking about, but it still upset me. ..Sure I would have rathered that he wasn't jealous at all.. I mean, I loved him and would never have cheated with a girl or a guy, but it just grated at me that he didn't take my love of girls seriously. Like if I had an interest in a girl it wouldn't have meant as much. -
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 4:52 PMit just grated at me that he didn't take my love of girls seriously. Like if I had an interest in a girl it wouldn't have meant as much.
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l understand that....better that than him having a problem with it because he took it too seriously, though, IMO. Obviously, the ideal situation is that our hetero partners really GET that both are important in different ways without getting jealous. But there's nothing that feels worse than shit that's important to us being dismissed or, in the case of a couple of people in my life, considered a 'phase'. THAT sucks rocks.
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 6:29 PMI agree with you there. I was recently in a situation where i was intimate with a female friend who had
told me that she had other lovers and no 'boyfriend', so i felt comfortable with the circumstances.
Then when my friend told what happened to a person who apparently views himself as her boyfriend,
the shit hit the fan.
When i asked why the boyfriend/friend was hurt if my friend had other partners, it became apparent
that the boyfriend/friend was only hurt because i was male. Not female, like her other partners.
As a person with a pretty open gender style, that left me super frustrated. Especially the fact that
my friend downplayed her relationship with other women as not 'meaning as much' as with other men.
Good grief! -
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HOLY GOOD GAWD DANE
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 8:04 PMYOU ARE FUCKING GORGEOUS.
Someone disagree with me. Try it.
Anyway.
"Then when my friend told what happened to a person ***********who apparently views himself as her boyfriend***********
the shit hit the fan."
lndeed it would. Sounds like she didn't quite make herself clear. Or he has high hopes.
"When i asked why the boyfriend/friend was hurt if my friend had other partners, it became apparent
that the boyfriend/friend was only hurt because i was male. Not female, like her other partners."
l've been thinking.
l view certain bi women who flaunt their bisexuality and therefore enhance that (vs. their actual nature for sex AND relationships) as the "enemy". l mean, yeah, 'enemy', strong word. But those are the bi women that push my buttons.
l think men are a naturally protective species. Chivalry is a big part of that, though generation may play a part. ln both situations, competition has its role, but maybe it's not specifically catty or assholish. Maybe it's just that we don't want to see others hurt or used. Of course that depends entirely on our general view of the world, so maybe it only marginally applies to this discussion. l guess l was just thinking about it and would talk about it for a sec.
lf we could only convince others we're not trying to hurt them.
"As a person with a pretty open gender style, that left me super frustrated. Especially the fact that
my friend downplayed her relationship with other women as not 'meaning as much' as with other men."
This is, unfortunately, often due to womens' own depiction of their bisexuality. lf you portray it as purely sexual, then it wo't be perceived as anything but. And it is, more than many realize, but not all of it. l don't want anyone to think of my bisexuality as competition, but it makes it no less formidable. -
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Re: HOLY GOOD GAWD DANE
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 8:06 PMlf you portray it as purely sexual, then it wo't be perceived as anything but.
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That would be 'won't'.
l'm having an Englishman moment.
"Hawt chicks toogeathah! WOT, MATE!"
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Re: Homophobia
Mon, November 19, 2007 - 8:15 PMhi,I can relate in some ways,because it happens alot to us Transgender folks too..I want to believe that people are getting smarter about GLBT 's.I have learned that some people are going to like us and others are going to hate us..All we can do is teach the ones that love us and support us that we are humans with feeling and needs just like anyone else...Happy Holidays -
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Re: Homophobia
Tue, November 27, 2007 - 7:32 AMThe worst biphobia I've received has been from lesbians, BY FAR. I had one woman screaming at me in the parking lot of my college, after finding out that I was bi (I didn't understand why she thought it was her business anyway). She harassed me for months. She's the worst example among many I could name.
I've also had many experiences (especially when I first came out) with women who just want to fuck at a party and then tell me afterward what a terrible mistake it was, since they "now know they aren't bi," (which is just saying that it was more intense and life changing than they were ready for).
I've been at bars where men proposition me and my female date, once even at a nice restaurant.
The men who think that women having sex is meaningless in comparison to men are just insecure, and once I find out that they are restricting their women from doing anything with men, I just walk away. It's happened so many times, even just this last year, that a guy will get pissed off when they found out about their SO's interest in my guy (and not just me), that I just don't bother trying to argue anymore. I just figure they are to scared to be truly poly, unless it's pornographic for them. I don't get mad, I just say, "Oh, ok, good luck to you both. Hope you work something out."
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Re: Homophobia
Sat, December 1, 2007 - 12:04 AMI think we do deal less with homophobia because we have the hetro side to be there when needed but I do not think we suffer less as a result. I was thinking a few days ago that almost all my relationships no mater with girls or guys have gone sour because of my bisexuality. and this really sucks.
I have very few lesbian friends and I sometimes feel very uncomfortable when I see that they judge me. I feel closer to lesbians than heterosexual women.
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Re: Homophobia
Thu, December 20, 2007 - 3:46 PMyeah, I have had a few...
I went a good 10 or more years with out "practicing" my bisexuality.. just for some reason didn't have much of an urge to participate... well then one night while at my house under the influence of some thing that makes one all warm and fuzzy inside a male friend who "experimented" asked if he could kiss me.. I had no issue with it but the wife walked in and did (I was totally in the wrong for that too and I know it) but she asked then if I had slept with a man before and I didn't lie. From that point on until the divorce (from other things) when she got drunk, I was refered to as "the fucking faggot".. -
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Re: Homophobia
Thu, December 20, 2007 - 3:52 PMWow what a sad story.
I just wanted to mention that I know quite a few people who "practice" their bisexuality in terms of a personal identity, fantasy, etc. and still remain monogamous, whether in a same- or opposite-sex relationship.
I'm wondering what "practicing" your bisexuality means to you? -
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Re: Homophobia
Thu, December 20, 2007 - 4:15 PMi had not actively sought attention from members of the same sex.. well to be honest during that time frame it just didnt cross my mind. I was dating a girl and just ended up in relationships with girls. It was not that I identified myself differently I just didnt have a urge to play that way for a while, it was not a concious choice or anything. Also, with the exception of that one kiss, I was monogamous (faithfull) the entire time but I will tell you, that kiss did get me thinking and wanting again. -
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Re: Homophobia
Thu, December 20, 2007 - 4:18 PMAh okay thank you, I understand better now :) -
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Re: Homophobia
Thu, December 20, 2007 - 4:26 PMYeah, just because there may not be a current "urg" doesnt mean I am no longer bi.. not gonna happen. It just means I dont have an urg.. It is a part of who I am and there is no changing that as far as i can see.. I really think of it in terms of.. I am not as worried about your sex as I am your sexuality.. if that makes sense.
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Re: Homophobia
Sun, December 30, 2007 - 11:35 AMI know Im late to the party, but I gotta second what Ali said about Dane. Pardon me while I drool.
I've had a few negative experiences with my bisexuality. The first was from my best friend, questioning whether or not my "relationship with Jesus Christ" was real (I was very actively Christian - American Baptist - at the time), and then subsequently never speaking to me again. The second was from a straight boyfriend who thought I was sick for wanting to be with a girl, an activity he thought was fine in fantasy land, but disgusting in reality. The third, and most hurtful, coming from my mother, after I came out to her, after she baited me with stories of her friends being bisexual when they were younger, and that she thought it was totally fine. After coming out to her, thinking she'd be cool with it, she threw every insult she could come up with at me. I was part of a cult. Id been brainwashed. I was just like Charles Manson (WTF?). She vowed to pray every day that Id grow out of this "phase". She has since apologized and says she regrets all of the horrid things she said, and we are working on our relationship again, but the hurt is certainly still there on my side. -
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Re: Homophobia
Sun, December 30, 2007 - 3:14 PMAh, Panda, I can totally understand. I can never tell my mom. She said to me the other day that she witnessed to a guy who is dying who is gay, "you know, that being a sin and all," and hopefully he gets saved before he dies (she's a kidney dialysis nurse). -
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Re: Homophobia
Sun, December 30, 2007 - 3:42 PMSchirin, yeah, thats gotta be tough. I certainly wish you peace of mind and heart when interacting with your mom.
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Re: Homophobia
Sat, January 5, 2008 - 3:30 AMI don't understand why people are still homophobic. I am bisexual but I realize that usually when a male friend or woman and I hug, it is usually as friends not the lover or sexual type. I have had only one "bad" experience with a male. After telling him gay, straight or bi, that's ok but I do insist on coming out of the closet. We has not to spoken to each other since.
